The weird thing ... after 12 years at DEQ, in this field, I've actually had every single one of these happen to me.

My best story isn't even on this list. One of the managers once printed my name and home telephone number and posted them on the monitor of everyone in her section (about 25 people) without asking or even telling me about it. Below the name and number was a statement in which she approved them calling me at home for computer support ... 24 hours a day ... 7 days a week. When I asked her why she would do such a thing, she told me that her people worked hard and deserved the best possible computer support. She was shocked and outraged that I would object to her action.

After wrestling with the temptation to set the automatic FAX server to call her home number every 10 minutes for a week, I instead brought the issue to the attention of my boss. Heads rolled ... I loved it ... B-)

• When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

• Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

• When an I. T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.

• When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

• When I.T. support sends you e-mail with high importance delete it at once. We're just testing.

• When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

• Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

• When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

• When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

• When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.

• When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

• When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

• When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

• When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

• When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

• Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".

• Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

• If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

• If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

• When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

• When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.

• Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

• When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

• When you can't find someone in the government directory, call I.T. Support.

• When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. Support. We love to hack.

• When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

• When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on the mail server.

• Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.

• When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.

• When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in Pofadder like to keep abreast of what's going on.

• When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.

• Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.

• When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.

• We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.