I sit down at the table where Y5 already sits assembled and prepare to begin. Before I can get a question out, Dr. Colossus speaks.

DR.C: Well, a lot of people call me arrogant.

I pause for a moment, waiting for him to finish. He simply sits there, in his trenchcoat, staring at me.

I: And?
DR.C: Oh, that's it. My work here is done.
ED: But you didn't do anything!
DR.C: Didn't I?

With that, Dr Colossus stood up and walked out of the restaurant. Hoping to salvage the interview, I turned back to the table. Amy was looking shaken.

A: I think he's just misunderstood. [wimpering] One time he was really nice to me. [starts sobbing]

I turn and make eye contact with the remaining members, Big Ed and David.

I: Some people have accused Yellow Number Five of being ... uncreative, childish, and even lecherous. How do you respond to these accusations?
ED: Pull my finger.
I: but how do you respond?
ED: PULL MY FINGER!
I: right.

These guys won't let me keep one shred of dignity. I deliberately do NOT pull his finger. I look to David for a possible escape.

ED: Look, if you don't pull my finger, I'm leaving.

Crap. Big Ed has left the restaurant.

I: So, David, what do -- [interrupted by David]
D: um, that's Evil Lord Varlak.

He carefully pronounces the "proper" way of saying his name.

I: Right. So, David what do you --
D: EVIL LORD VARLAK!!!!
I: Uh, yeah. David, how do you see your role with the band changing over the years? What do you feel is your most important contribution to the band?
D: Well, I get beer!

Big Ed returns, making eye contact with David and muttering something about the car. Once again, I survey the table. Amy is wiping her eyes and sniffling, and Big Ed and David are both smiling happily at me. Luckily (?), Dr. Colossus chose this moment to return to the table. He has three large plates of "salad" and three cinammon rolls, which he places in front of him, and starts eating.

DR.C: [Speaking to the table] I was pulling out of the parking lot, and then I remembered what you guys said the last time I drove off without you. So I got some food instead. [speaking to me]You're buying, right?
ED: It wasn't what WE said, it was what the judge said.
DR.C Look, the schoolbus was in the quicksand when I got there. And the jury acquitted me! Get over it!
I: Dr. Colossus, your band has been accused of being uncreative, and sometimes of outright theft. How do you feel about these accusations?
DR.C: Personally, I think they're jealous of the size of my --[looks nervously at the tape recorder]-- amplifier. [takes a big bite of roll]
A: We feel that music, and in some respects, any form of art, is beautiful, regardless of it's origins. I mean, you wouldn't question a bunny, asking "who created it first" would you?
DR.C: We've heard enough, Amy.
ED: Well, Amy has a point. I mean a rose is going to be beautiful, whether in a photograph, painting, or stylized illustration of it.
DR.C: [quickly scribbling on a napkin, thrusting it in front of Big Ed and Amy] Is THAT beautiful? ...IS IT? Answer me!
ED: Well, no, but Colossus, we're trying to save your ass here.
DR.C: Maybe my ass doesn't WANT to be saved.
D: Dude, are you gonna eat that? [points to Colossus' salad] I've kinda got the munchies.
DR.C: [ignoring David, who takes the salad anyway] Enough about beauty. Let's discuss the band. That IS what you came here to talk about, isn't it?
I: Um, yes. How do you feel the band's style has changed after Melissa's tragedy?
DR.C: We got better.
A: [sobbing] That could have been me -- [Colossus interrupts]
DR.C: in the car! That could have been you in the car! But it wasn't. Let's all try to put the past behind us, and NOT TALK ABOUT IT anymore, ok?
A: [sobbing]
ED: You're ok, and there's not going to be another car crash. We're sure of it. [glaring at Colossus] Don't worry about it.
D: Anyone want a roll?
DR.C: Yeah, pass it here. Talking about Melissa always makes me hungry.

By this point I can't believe I'm here, or that these people are actually like this. How could four people be so unstable?

I: What motivated your change to creating your own music instead of remixing and covering other people's songs?
DR.C: Uhm, yeah. Our own music.

The band exchanges nervous looks, then stands up and quietly walks out of the restaurant!

David turned as they left and yelled, "Don't forget to tip!"

I want to beat my head on the table. I could have been a REAL reporter, but NO I had to interview Rock bands...